day twenty

for about the past four or five years i have been seeing an extraordinary number of imaginary deer. no, i'm not on acid or peyote. i also see real live deer from time to time, munching from the apple trees dotting our backyard, but the main type of deer i see are not really there at all.

let me back this up for a moment. one lovely september morning about six months after we moved to the middle of nowhere, i was driving The Husband to work. it all was going as usual, when bam! a lovely, innocent, beautiful deer leaped out of the sky and smacked the windshield of our car. i'd always dreamed of seeing a deer up close, but i'd imagined more of a fairytale: fragile spotted fawns munching apples from my outstretched palms - not an innocent creature just trying to jump across the road. a poor animal that literally stared me straight in the eye before floating gently up towards deer heaven (or, more realistically, across the hood of the car, then over a steep cliff, then...i have no idea, i couldn't bear to look).

ever since that moment that will forever be etched in my conscience, i see deer that are not really there. especially at dusk when the world turns a shade that hovers between darkness and light, never quite making up its mind. for split seconds of time trees, clumps of snow, and mailboxes morph from object to animal. driving with the never-high-enough high beams glaring, hunched over like an octogenarian, my heart leaps into my chest before the hallucination disappears and reveals its true self.

maybe one day i'll be able to speed nonchalantly through the night like i used to, but nature has shown me its real face. it's reminded me of its presence and beauty and fragility. and i have learned the hard way to slow down and respect what lived there long before i ever came along.


today's look while peering into an abandoned car:

green long-sleeved t-shirt under dress: value village about two years old ($7)
pink scarf tied around waist: donated by my mother-in-law for this project - thanks! (free)
brown knee socks: sears ($8)
winter boots: aldo from last year (about $75)

grand total:
about $90.08